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[04 Aug 2005|03:14am] |
it's official.
what's official? official how?
instead of watching the world pass by, i watch the film reel.
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[26 Jul 2005|01:04am] |
friends only, from now on.
friends only, from now on.
friends only, from now on.
friends only, from now on.
friends only, from now on.
you know how it goes.
that is.
comment to be added
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[24 Jul 2005|03:42pm] |
"Here the failest leaves of me and yet my strongest lasting,
Here I shade and hide my thoughts, I myself do not expose them,
And yet they expose me more than all my other poems."
~Whitman~
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[23 Jul 2005|01:39am] |
No, You're not the first to fall apart
But always the first one to complain
You better get careful or you'll compromise everything You are
The world is a drought when out of love
Please come back to us
You're all of the above
I'm making a choice to be out of touch
Leave me be he said
My subconscious is a movie inspired by a true story.
remember. it's a need sometimes, to figure things out, to understand them. as if you could control them, but you can't.
i wonder if people ever listen to songs for themselves instead of applying them to other people? no, that's a lie... i'm sure they do.
maybe i like these feelings because they challenge me.
i think i could be on to something.
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| deja vou something |
[21 Jul 2005|05:27am] |
you should be SLEEPING. not only that, but you're laying around hoping someone will comment on an entry at 5:30 IN THE MORNING. half the world is asleep. the entire half that actually has a livejournal. oh dear, you've really done it this time. patience is a freakin virtue.
sleep. you need it so get it.
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[18 Jul 2005|07:33pm] |
now the only difference between all of my livejournals are the backgrounds and the colors... they're all set up exactly the same. bahahahaha.
ealantagalla - skulls & hearts
fauxpinkfatigue - ultracet bottle
chaotic_tic_tic - type type type
so i'm going back to maryland on thursday for a long weekend and i was crying... and i was scared. I know it's different, I know I'm different, I know that I'm afraid of what it'll feel like not to have it be the way it was. I'm afraid of being with ariel and not having anything to say, I'm afraid of not making an effort to find Jenn, I'm afraid of having too much to talk about with brandon.
Funny thing is, the only thing I'm not worried about is seeing my father and his family. I can't wait to go on the boat or have dinner at my grandmother's house... hug my aunt julie.... funny the way things change. I don't know what to think.... I know how it's going to feel. I think the problem is I'm afraid of something so familiar feeling so alien to me.
... it's only been a year.
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[13 Jul 2005|05:49pm] |
if dan kicks us out i don't know what i'll do. i feel more secure and happy and.... alive than ever here. especially in a room that functions. that makes me feel like i'm a real person. and i want to live and get a job and shop and come home and sleep here at night and make art and act and just be at peace..... some days i still want fame and money so i dont have to worry and some days i just want to be on the line.... of... just fine. because i could do this forever.
for some reason getting online for this past 10 minutes has changed my outlook on something and i just... feel... i don't know... i can't explain it.
dr. king tomorrow. i like feeling vulnerable around her.
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[03 Jul 2005|02:43am] |
</b>KEEP THIS:</b>
dreaming is like this.
this is like dreaming.
are things are all ns.
two by two by two.
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| the sex she slipped into my coffee |
[01 Jul 2005|02:52am] |
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blah. i keep waiting and waiting. waiting gets harder when the time you have to wait decreases... it gets a million times more difficult to hang on when you've only got a few hours to go. oh dear oh dear oh dear.
i need your lovin like i need the sunshine and god knows i need the sunshine to survive.
okay.. right... back from the shiny metal trip. I'm a little lost... what to do with what i've got blah del blah del blah con blah.
let's go back to this purpose thing for just a moment... or maybe i'll wait... because the rain sounds glorious and feels amazing. it's reminiscent of a night two years ago that i walked out in nothing but my sisters jacket and shorts.... into a puddle that was my backyard from my back door and through the river of my street to the bike path where i could only go as far as the worm invasion would let me.
Except tonight, I'm free.
i'll be angry at myself, later for not writing why i would remember the other night for a long time, for no reason... and my memory hasn't let it go yet, but later... I won't know.. and I'll read this and feel like I tricked myself. I wonder what that's going to feel like.
I wonder what it's going to feel like..... having sean here. Having anyone here after I've established such a..... life.... for myself. Oh dear... how the days go by.
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[30 Jun 2005|01:58am] |
I wait for the day that telling her I love her will cure her. i don't think it ever will.... i get it more than she knows... uhg... it eats at me to know that i can't do a god damn thing--- i hate that its up to her because i know she won't fix it....but i probably wouldn't be able to either. she gets herself caught in a net and even if she finds a way out--she'll overlook it and start searching some more.....her nearest exits are too difficult for her to take... I wish.... i just... wish.
Anyway--- purpose really is the key to life.... I've decided.
Occupation--- occupy.. occupy my time.
i need to get to bed. I need to get a lot of stamps and a lot of envelopes.
And I need my christopher to come home. I can't imagine what it's going to be like.... the kind of freedom we'll feel. I can't believe he bought me jewelry, i could die. where did he come from?
Purpose..... what's purpose in french? slowy but surely I will speak that language.
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| fabulex part deux |
[29 Jun 2005|01:45am] |
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this is what its like to feel like a hopeless romantic. Everytime i see a couple kiss in a movie, I think of kissing him, I feel the way I feel when I kiss him. I think I've truly turned myself into a loser...but I don't mind. Amelie gives me chills. I want him to know everything about me..... I don't feel that way about many people.
Revelations of the day:
filler prayer flags and ben's robot designs.
I wish I could remember--- I feel a little less human when I smoke. A little less cursed... a little less tired. A little less synapses firing in my brain. Somedays I wish he would just so I woulnd't have to exclude him from it. But that's supposed to be a sign for me to stop.... so..... I ... well. Cigarettes are disgusting lately though--which is refreshing.
I want us to live in paris. Jenn got an apartment with her boyfriend? I feel lost... like... I'll never reach them again. I'm afraid for her. I wish i didn't feel like I'd given up on so many people.
I'm going to remember this night for a long time because i do those things.
i think i might make this journal public...............
that's a big ellipsis.
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| fabuleux |
[28 Jun 2005|12:46am] |
i think i've prepared myself to make this journal public--- i'm disappointed in myself.
it'll come back soon.
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[27 Jun 2005|02:44am] |
my love. i live for love... look what you've done to me. I can't wait to see your face or look into your eyes... you don't know what it's like to have someone who isn't afraid to look into my eyes. I've lived so long with nervous eyes that can only look at me for a few seconds.... I realized that a few months ago. No wonder I fell in love with you.
Tonight feels endless in a perfect way. Summer.... summer summer summer summer... it is so intoxicating. It's so comforting and familiar and so fresh and so new and... it makes me at a loss of what to do with myself. I'd love to have a job.... really... I've found happiness in purpose.
What's another word for strange? i've got to stop saying it. Why are my sister's shorts on my futon in the basement? ..... really though... why are they? I've been meaning to ask her if i could wear them... which makes it even more puzzling. sometimes i really believe my clairvoyance grows in reaction to the sunshine....
You know, self. I'm tempted to open this up--- fresh. Vince calls me fresh... he's such a lovely typecast jerk.
Anyway, self. Think about it and let me know.
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[09 May 2005|11:50pm] |
somethings... sometimes... fuck with me.
I figured so much out last night. and now it seems like... it was me learning to talk. like i don't even think about how epic it really was anymore.
I want a large vocabulary. a large vocabulary i can use with a pompous artsy fuck attitude and smack people around with so they don't know what hit them. but they fucking love me anyway.
what the fuck, today feels like hell. tomorrow feels even worse and i'm a whole 8 minutes away.
I'm bored. ahhaaa yes bored with you. here i go, losing my dignity and not caring and wanting to be away.
I HATE THE WAY MY THOUGHTS ARE BROKEN UP I WANT TO KEEP THINKING AND NOT PAUSE AND NOT FORGET AND NOT LOSE WHAT I DISCOVER.
because i do. all the time.
and i can't get up in the morning
and all of this has something to do with large amounts of people and wanting to have everyone but not wanting to be a part of everyone for someone else. somehow christopher and i work like that.
yet i want to be that for everyone........ uhg someone fucking answer me.
and i still can't get up in the morning.
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[11 Apr 2005|02:32pm] |
i haven't been sending ariel any mail---i'm a lame best friend. STORY ha. it was what it was. a slightly lame teenager therapy session---- but there I was... centerstage.... you know? at least part of me. the rest of me was in the rest of them.
that name keeps drilling into my mind. i heard her voice using my lips and tongue to speak today. RRAAAAHHHRRRRRGGGG.
AMDA----i'm using your ink. LET ME IN JESUS PLEASE I'LL BE EVERYTHING YOU WANT ME TO BE.
regardless here i am sitting on the couch.... wanting.... desiring. i want to know how you think how you work. i'm miserable, i want to be there... doing this. it's what i want more than anything, i swear i'll do it. I'll work. I'll be there with everything i've got. i hope you saw that. sadly i'm not sure you did. i'm not sure you saw anything. you probably saw a nervous little girl who dreams too big for herself. damnit. i want this so badly.
there are always reasons to let someone go. i'm destined for this---that. there are always those kinds of people.... friends with everyone kind of people... genuinely though... you know? they go mad trying to figure all of this out. I'm afraid i'll go mad too if i don't give up. ... Then there are the people who give up----- i'd hate to be one of them. And I could be one of those ignorant fools... but that just doesn't suit me---though i know i could pull it off well.
jesus christ.
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[07 Apr 2005|06:10pm] |
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this will all be the end of me
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[07 Apr 2005|05:56pm] |
i want to be more.
artsiness artsiness artsiness
sunday. i need you. i want you so badly. i have to have you.
I want to know that everything is ......
BRANDON WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!?!?!?!!
I'm so... d;aoihgte;a;wogiawe;gja;gaghh;aiiiah
I'm so tired of this clairvoyant feeling. Regardless of whether or not it's true. i hate hate hate HATE IT SOMETIMES.
"I KNOW YOU BETTER THAN ANYONE. I KNOW ALL OF YOU BETTER THAN ANYONE." she said.
that's what it feels like. like this egomaniacal BITCH.
part of me needs someone to yell at me.
part of me wants a hand around my neck, that i won't get.
so i haven't felt that..... boiling feeling in a while. but this... bursting one has become much too common... hmm?
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[07 Apr 2005|05:25pm] |
Hello my name is vicious chain reaction. god damnit.
the weak.
am i really one of those predators? am i just.... really... really good at it so I can't even see it in myself? How can someone not see something like that? How can they NOT see what they do? Is it true?
Am I blind? I don't ask myself questions often. Usually I'm just convincing myself with completely contrasting...so where are the questions coming from. they feel so disgustingly cliche.
My mom isn't okay. I'm watching money destroy her.
it's hard to mix the internal with the external.
i dont think it should be necessary.
( for my recollection when I've forgotten )
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[07 Mar 2005|11:55pm] |
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i love the way it looks.
when it's all.... this way
"how can i not be who i am"
my body is doing that thing---where it needs to be in motion suddenly.
no build up.
no follow through.
there's a feeling. of waking up after really deep sleep.
that fighting to stay awake----but not even wanting to be awake.
what that hell is that? why can't i sleep if that's what i want to do?
fuck societal purpose.
i want to throw up. i am so.
so.
so.
so. tired.
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[13 Feb 2005|01:52pm] |
i was about to write something more... again. i've lost it though. oh well.
"gah, Gwen, how strong is that mimosa?!"
it's funny that it's a relief.
baronvonteto: doo doo doo doo doo
La Musikat: hheyyy hey hey hey hey
baronvonteto: guess what song that is
La Musikat: guess what song that is? .... uhm... strangers in the night?
baronvonteto: yep
La Musikat: what!
baronvonteto: yep
La Musikat: ha!
baronvonteto: you're so good
man. that's a little insane, huh. mmmmm i love keeping things to remember. i miss seth dahling. i miss a lot of things.
i'm just now realizing that alcohol really does make some things better---which isn't the best thing. hmm.
i'd like to see brandon. I'd like to give him a hug. I'd like to talk and know that we're both okay. I hope he's okay.
i miss having people near by. knowing i could go see them if i needed to know how they were.
a'goiejgt;aihgte;a4ughgfhgyreyaehfawekighlkdvjnldzkv;oiheag;oehtgaefr
jesus. i'm actually GONE>
this is all so weird to me. a;goiewhj;oiaj fuckin a.
shit. i'm also kind of tipsy.
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